Control Freak: Letting Go of my False Sense of Control

The moving process has been a lesson in patience, a realization in how little I am in control, and a look into the way I view life and the impact it has on my feelings. I've talked about how crazy it's been here and I've tried to find the humor in these situations. I will be honest though; this morning I hit my emotional breaking point. I'm not writing this to seek sympathy or say that I've had it so bad. I haven't. I know I haven't. Someone's situation is always better and worse off than my own (which makes you wonder who in the world really does have it better off and worse off but that's much too deep thinking for me this afternoon). I'm writing as a means of sorting through my thought process. I'm making it public knowing that the likelihood that someone out there reading this may feel the same way may be high so why not help another?

I think if you talk to anyone who is in the process of buying a house or even refinancing they'll tell you that the process are vastly changed and now it's like they want to know your favorite color...oh yeah and have it notarized. Our first closing date was Feb. 1st. We're an accountant family so we knew we were cutting it close to the busy time with tax season for my husband, Ben. Then the lender wanted the names changed on the purchase agreement so we pushed the date back to Feb. 15th. There was another setback which pushed the closing date to Feb. 23rd and then another....so now, if you're keeping track, we're hopefully moving in on March 2nd.

This whole process has been going on since Dec. 22nd and I'd love to tell you that I have been the image of trust and certainty in the Lord. That would not be true at all. I have realized a few things about myself during this process and one of them is that despite my usual sunny disposition years of being a military brat has produced a rather grim outlook on life as a means of survival. And not physical survival but emotional survival. I remember that before every move I would knowingly distance myself emotionally from those around me by either deciding I was mad at everyone or picking a fight w/ those I was leaving. Was it right to do? No, but keep in mind that I was a kid trying to cope with the stresses of leaving a place I had called home and leaving the people behind as well as going to a place where I didn't know anyone or anything. Military brats, or global nomads which is their psychological given name, tend to be easily adaptable to situations. I am easily adaptable but the way I do it is by checking out, not getting attached, not being hopeful in the future. This is counter productive to my faith; it sets me back every time I come across a stumbling block or blip on the screen of my life. My self defense of not hoping for the best, of looking to be disappointed because I was often disappointed as a child whether it was because I moved or a friend moved; well this negativity is almost crippling in the joy that I know I have because I have a relationship with Christ.

The often recited verse in Proverbs is one I'd like to say I adhere to, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding..." but trusting God requires you to let go of your own sense of control. Control in the future, control in the outcome of events, and it requires you to fully submit. That my friends, is where I have a hard time giving in.

 Isn't it true that once we let go of those things we're trying to control, the little nuances in life that we feel we can manipulate to work out in our favor are really just playing into the facade that we're in the driver's seat in this race we call life. Oddly enough letting go of that wheel, handing it over to the Lord allows us to bask in the freedom of peace, the freedom of a life without worry, and a peace that surpasses all understanding. If I just let go, let go of trying to understand everything, even the unknown, life could be easier. I could find joy in all of these changes. I could laugh at the circumstance the way my husband has when we've been told that our closing is pushed out yet again. Instead I have tried to hold onto a false sense of control by checking out from God the same way I checked out emotionally from a place before I had to move. By not submitting to Him, by ignoring Him, I am falsely believing that I am in control because I do not have hope that He will make my paths straight.

Whether you feel like nothing is going right in your life because your situation is unclear or your situation is very clear and is completely out of your hands, do submit to Him. The Maker and Creator, the One Whom every knee will bow down and He will set your worried heart free. I know this is the truth; my heart feels it now I just have to get it to let up a little bit and give in. Would you pray with me now?

Father God,
I am humbled by Who You are and how you care so much about my little human problems. I praise You because of the way You love me, care for me, provide for me and handle me so gracefully when I'm desperately grasping at having control. Please forgive me Lord for the way I have ignored You and tried to distance myself from You because I didn't want to be disappointed. Create in me a submissive heart Lord and make my paths straight. Guide me through this life that only You can truly control. In Your holy name, Amen.

*The pictures in this post are images of and from the house we'll be moving into.*